Tonight at Proof, a friend and I were catching up... When I asked the usual, "How's shit? What have you been up to?" She replied, "Life..." (One of the better answers that I've gotten...) Later on, we started got to the inevitable subject that always seems to come up between my friends and I-- dance.
After a brief run through of her agenda, she asks, "You're done with dancing, yeah? No?"
At the time I could only muster, "Erm, well... I don't have a lot of time right now, I'll start dancing again when school starts." This was a pretty logical answer, but I feel as if the topic deserves more thought.
Am I done with dancing? This is a question that I've asked myself many times before, and have never quite come to a conclusion. As I age, the real world responsibilities become that much more real. The anxiety of finding a job, doing the job, and excelling at the job has me in a tight guillotine lock, and it's asphyxiating me more as each day go by. I look at life in objectives, because by the time you head to bed and turn off the lights, what really matters are the things you gain in relation to the things you lose. In essence, what do I get out of dancing?
I certainly have no regrets so far in being a dancer-- it has done nothing but good things for me. This includes meeting a group of people, family, with whom I have had a rewarding three years so far. Through the discouraging times and gratifying moments (the former being overwhelmingly more frequent than the latter,) I have truly enjoyed it. Even though I hate the label of being a dancer and continue to have great disdain for how much of the scene works, I have enjoyed it so far.
I'm afraid to admit that something has changed. The fire and passion has dwindled.This is not to say that I do not still wave like a stupid idiot while driving in traffic (By the way, that is really fucking dangerous; no idea how I have not gotten into an accident yet. I do this frequently and it gets pretty fucking tricky when you get to your legs... I think I'm a better popper sitting down than being on my feet. No joke.) and I still cannot control the urge to hit when a strong clap goes on-- girls think I am having a fucking seizure in public... I think it's a dealbreaker. Either way, there is simply no motivation for me to dedicate time to train, and the path for improvement, something that is valued so greatly by all dancers, has no shortcuts.
So now I have to come to a point where I decide what to do. Being relieved of my board duties for Bboys Anonymous this upcoming year, it's as good of a time as any to seriously think about this. I do know that there are elements of dance that I still wish to explore and still find exciting. For example, choreographing pieces that are not specific to any style, but rather one that reflect my own inclinations still get my heart pumping. I guess I'm not quite done with dancing yet, but I certainly think I'm borderline floating in limbo.
TL;DR: I'm fucking lazy, and need to get a job after I graduate. Not sure how I feel about something that I've done for the past three years-- something that other people define me as (I fucking hate it) and given me so much.
